All of us parents spend so much time in the restroom when we have little kids right?  It’s like 30% of our lives are spent in there when they are little – especially public restrooms b/c they always have to visit the restroom in every store it seems.  Personally, I always wait until I get home b/c I don’t like public restrooms but they can’t.

Well I bet we all have some stories to tell from that.  This one is one rather elaborate bathroom story from when my kids were little.  It’s the type of experience that gets ingrained in the psyche.

We went on a trip to Chicago for a few days when the kids were little.  On the first night, we had reservations at the the American Girl Doll store for dinner and shopping.  My husband, of course, wanted nothing to do with it. He found something to eat elsewhere. Every time he does something without us, I imagine he’s getting his hair blow dried some place and a massage. That’s just the vision that pops into my mind. Maybe because that’s secretly what I want to be doing. Lol.

We sit down to eat and I realize they offer unlimited refills of sweet tea. I thought this is not good. I end up spending the entire evening alternating going to the restroom with each girl.  Not sure I even ate.  I should’ve just told them to lay off the drinks but I don’t think I realized what was happening. Sometimes you’re just on auto pilot as a parent, right?  They must’ve been flagging down the waitress over and over again for refills while I was in the restroom.

Every time I took one girl to the restroom, the other girls were chugging sweet tea, so by the time I came back to the table the next girl was dancing around. Of course, they don’t tell you they have to go because they don’t want to miss out on anything – they just start dancing around. So you have to be able to read body language. My kids literally turn into ducks – they squat and stick their butts out and walk in short quick steps. It’s the darnedest thing to see.

Apparently, I scheduled the dinner too late in the evening because the American Girl store was going to close about 20 minutes after we finished dinner. The girls really wanted to shop but there wasn’t much time left. I asked everyone if they had to go to the restroom one last time and of course they said no (definitely not!) because they wanted to shop before the store closed. The second we get out of the American Girl store and they lock the doors on us, one of the girls says they have to go to the restroom really bad and they are doing the duck walk so I know it’s bad. I’m like Ugh! The closest place was a fancy steak and seafood restaurant!  We were on Michigan Ave.

Well, I knew this was an emergency so we went in and I begged the restaurant host (Maitre d’?) if we could use the restroom.  It was an emergency and he saw that I had a girl duck on my hands so he reluctantly said it’s around the corner. There was a long line of women dressed nicely but when they saw my duck they said we should go on ahead. We go on ahead and right when we get in the doorway of the restroom my daughter stops walking and says, “Uh Oh!” and I look down to see a big puddle (or more like a lake) forming at her feet – in the doorway of the restroom that has a long line into the hallway.

She tries to help me clean it up but we couldn’t manage to get any paper towels to come out of the really convenient automatic paper towel dispenser (I hate those things). My daughter gets an idea to tear off the tiny triangle of paper towel that’s already sticking out of the dispenser and soaks it in the huge puddle of pee then flings it with a frisbee-like motion into the trash can.  Poor thing – she actually thought she was helping.  Pee flies everywhere.

There’s a lady standing at the mirror touching up her makeup – must’ve been on a date night.  She didn’t realize she was in the splash zone of my kid’s pee accident.   I still can see in my mind the lady cringing and flinching when the pee flies off that soaked paper towel and splashes her.  I apologize to the lady and tell my daughter to please not help me.

Meanwhile, back at the pee puddle, I see my other daughter hovering over the puddle of pee as if she’s trying to see her reflection in it and she starts gagging and dry heaving and I tell her to leave the restroom before she adds to the mess.  I know I wasn’t saying all this in the most pleasing voice either.  I might have used the words, “Get Out!” to both of them.

Now, I’m looking like mother of the year in front of an audience and I can’t get any paper towels to come out of the super convenient, automated paper towel dispenser. I dance around in front of the paper towel dispenser frantically waving my hands and arms and finally get one paper towel to come out. I throw it on the floor over the pee and take off out of there because I’m absolutely mortified and not convinced I’ll be able to get any more paper towels to come out anyway. And, at this point, I was just looking like a circus side show act that everyone was literally just watching with their mouths hanging open.  At least they weren’t making a video of it.

On our way out of the restaurant, my husband is on his way in and tells me that the third daughter now has to go to the restroom to which I reply – You. Take. Her. – in my exorcist voice.  He walks by looking confused like – Okay I will.  And I’m looking at him like – Okay do that.  So then I have to wait outside in front of the full length windows with my kids visibly upset and one of them soaked from the waist down in severe wind chill while people eat their expensive steak and shrimp and wait for my husband to come back out.

That wasn’t painful at all.  Just another day in the life with kids.  :-p  I know all of you Moms can relate.  We all have our stories that our husbands only hear about but don’t always have to live through, right? 😉  And our husbands may have their own stories that we never hear about b/c they don’t think that much into it, eh?  Life is too funny.

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