Someone needs to start a Pimp My Mommy Van store. I’d pay some big bucks.  Some of the things on my wish list:

1.) Sound proof barrier between the front and the back seats like in a limo

Probably my husband would like an additional sound proof barrier between the driver and passenger seat, but that would get DENIED. :-p

2.) Self-vacuuming This one is self explanatory

3.) Vending machine that someone comes and stocks for me b/c I’ll forget and it’ll be useless if not.

4.) Seats (all but driver seat) that have the ability to deliver a minor shock.  Minor shock never hurt anyone permanently right?  This can be initiated by the driver when the kids start fighting, or anyone refuses to eat where the driver wants to eat, or anyone complains of the music or otherwise disrupts the peace..

And a voice would come over the intercom saying, “Eh – Try again.” B/c moms shouldn’t have to talk while they drive.. Or ever. Can we just outsource the talking altogether? That could just be a portable voice box that we take with us and push the appropriate button for, “Yes dear”, “Eh – try again”, or “Oh wow – that’s so interesting”.

5.) A little robot that hands people stuff when it falls on the floor b/c this is the least safe of all and I never hand anyone anything while driving which leads to the littlest one screaming her head off which is also probably not a safe driving situation. :-p

6.) Amazon Echo built into the back of the car to answer all the millions of questions the kids ask – this way the kids can actually learn something instead of me making stuff up..

Isn’t it funny how they ask some really hard to answer questions when you are running really late for something and you are trying to remember the millions of things you are supposed to be bringing? It’s like why are they thinking about why the Earth is round when they are supposed to be getting buckled? Think about the buckle and the sound of it snapping together.  Or my favorite: How do sheep born babies?  I’ve actually gotten this question and it stumps me everytime..

It should also be programmable to say “mm-hmmm” and “okay” alternately whenever there is a non-question b/c you know they are speaking so quietly in the car that there is no way you’d hear them over the engine anyway. At least that’s what my kids do. At the library and at fancy restaurants (the rare times we choose to torture ourselves) they run and yell but in the car or when they are saying something that I’m really interested in, they squeak like a mouse. I’ll never understand it.

7.) Headphones that come down from the ceiling and land magically on the kid’s heads

Like we really need to reinforce the idea that things fall magically from the sky on command but in this case it might be necessary. If they get their hands on the headphones they will break instantly or disappear into thin air.

8.) TV screens that don’t break after a month – anyone else have this problem?

9.)  A toilet because one of the kids always has to go to the restroom.  This one was suggested by a friend of mine which, of course, I agreed with – this has to be on the list.  Also, you should be able to eject the contents of this toilet if someone is riding up on your tail..

10.) An eject button which would eject the kids out of the car and safely onto the sidewalk with all their stuff. Otherwise, it takes for-ever for the kids to get out of the car. I have one kid that purposefully waits until everyone else is out of the car before she even attempts to unbuckle her seat belt. This is especially bad in the winter or when it’s raining or when you are running late in the school drop off line and holding up all the parents behind you who are also running late. How cool would that be to be able to push the eject button? It would be like: “Love you guys!” Eject. Mom drives off waving and smiling. That would go so much smoother than, “Ok, guys hope you have a good day! There’s a long line of cars behind us waiting so try to speed it up. Why aren’t you already out of the car? You are going to be so late. What is taking so long?!? [Kids making sure their backpacks are perfectly centered on their back.] Get out. Seriously, guys you have to get out! Love you! [Mom drives off frazzled]”.

Did I miss anything? As you can see, I’ve been thinking a lot about this – dreaming about it actually every time I get in the car.. And we spend a lot of time in the car – don’t we moms? Shuttling the little people back and forth and here and there. We deserve to get our vans (or whatever you drive) pimped. :-p  If you saw the state of my van, you would agree. I recently spent a couple of weeks driving with gnats flying around my head because my kids shoved food in one of the receptacles in the back and I refused to acknowledge it.  If I had one of those sound proof barriers, I suppose that would keep the gnats in the back as well.  :-p

Hmm – I think I would live in my car if I could get these upgrades. A mom can dream can’t she.. What else do we “need”?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *