That was a tweet on Twitter. I wish I could remember who so I could give them credit. I totally agree with this tweet. And since I have a few budding comediennes in the family, I get roasted quite a bit. But it’s OK, I actually find it pretty hilarious – most of the time. There are also those times though that are just plain embarrassing. These are a few of my roasts:
Dinner with family visiting
My sister came in town for a visit with her family for a weekend and she had never seen our house before. They were going to stay the weekend at our house. Now, you know if you have kids that it’s scary to have people stay over night b/c you don’t really know what all is lurking in your kid’s rooms. I knew we had to do a thorough deep clean. I cleaned all the bathrooms – even the showers! We finally cleaned the kid’s rooms and this wasn’t me just telling them to clean and them shoving everything under the bed and in the closet. I knew that wasn’t going to fly with adults staying in their rooms. I actually put on my hazmat suit and went into each of their closets – the horror.
It took days maybe weeks to get the house into decent shape for company. I even cut the glitter glue out of my daughter’s bedroom carpet. She managed to spill half a bottle of glitter glue on her carpet. Don’t ask me how because they aren’t allowed to have any glue in their rooms. But this glue had dried into a hazardous shape. I mean it basically dried into a knife and like it would tear your foot off if you stepped on it. Luckily, it was in a corner of a room and I had placed a book on top of it so it wouldn’t tear my daughter’s foot off. However, company was coming and what if they picked up the book unknowingly and ended up losing a toe. I couldn’t have that. So, I got the good scissors and hacked away at the carpet.
My daughters were watching me do all this and apparently taking notes. My sister and her family arrived and we pretended that our house is always this clean even though inside we were feeling like visitors in our own home – lol. The only thing amiss was that there were gnats circling our heads occasionally. We must’ve thrown so much junk in the trash cans that gnats flocked to our house from around the globe. We probably had Costa Rican gnats here.
Anyway, all was well until the last night we had dinner at a nice restaurant and I made the mistake of mentioning cleaning. My daughter’s eyes lit up and she was like now that you mention cleaning my Mom went crazy cleaning the house before you came! She spent weeks! She was running around like a chicken with her head cut off. I really wanted to clamp a hand over her mouth at this point but that would’ve been rude. She continued. She even cut stuff out of our carpet and tossed everything out of our closets! She kept telling us why do we have to be such big pigs.. Yada Yada Yada.. Ya, I definitely got roasted like a pig that night. But I was laughing pretty hard in an insane put me in a straight jacket sort of way. :-p
Craft time
The one time I made the signs for the Girl Scout cookie booth but they turned out awful and I told everyone my daughters worked really hard on them. My daughter was in the background with a shocked look on her face like she didn’t know what I was talking about. lol. Ya, totally called me out.
Mother’s day
All the moms got invited up to the school for Mother’s day tea at my daughter’s preschool and the kids had prepared an All About My Mom worksheet for all their moms. So sweet, right? The teacher read them out loud that day for fun.
Just to give you some background: I was very pregnant with my third daughter at the time. And my mom had been in town visiting for a couple of weeks to help out. So, the question on the sheet of paper was – what is your Mom’s favorite thing to do? So many cute answers – my mom loves quilting, my mom loves cooking, my mom loves reading to me, my mom loves … well, me. All the moms are oohing and aahing – oh, how sweet. Isn’t that precious! Then, we get to me and my daughter had written – my mom’s favorite thing to do is… Watch TV.
Really? You couldn’t have put laundry, or dishes, or all the other things I do – maybe b/c I complain too much about those? – lol. I admit I was watching alot of TV at the time because I was trying to entertain my mom without talking since I was a hormonal very pregnant person. As soon as my mom started talking about how I should take Livatox (liver cleanser – you’d have to know my mom), I would discreetly turn up the volume. But usually I don’t have a whole lot of time to watch TV. Needless to say, everyone in the room was laughing – some a little too hard. :-p Ya, definitely roasted that day. :-p Or as my daughter likes to put it: Roasted, Toasted, …. And Grilled.
Homework
Then, there’s the time my daughter’s teacher roasted me. Whenever I would help my daughter with her homework in Kindergarten or First Grade – can’t remember which. I stopped helping with homework early on! My daughter’s papers would come home with, “Read the Directions..” or “Needs work!”. Whenever my husband would help her with homework, the papers would come home with, “Great Job!!!” and a sticker. Or, “Your daughter’s really progressing!” and a sticker.
It was kind of demoralizing and a running joke in our house. I still occasionally put in my two cents with homework though but I’m not really sure if I’m helping or hindering. :-p Common core is not my forte. Like, why should we have to explain in words why 2+2=4? I loved my daughter’s answer for one of these math questions. It was an addition word problem question and she answered it: 3+2=5. Then, the follow up question was: How do you know this answer? And she wrote: Because I read the words or (becs I red the wrds in her first grade spelling). I was like Yes, Exactly!!! Self explanatory!
What do you want to be when you grow up?
My one daughter roasted herself at her preschool graduation, then me. Her preschool put on a big celebration where all the kids were supposed to think about what they wanted to be when they grow up. The teacher took pictures of them with their chosen dream occupation and they played a slide show at the graduation. The kids all were holding signs like, “Engineer”, “Doctor”, “Astronaut”, “Scientist”, and there’s my daughter with her sign that says, “Checkout Lady”. And she even had this exhausted, miserable expression on her face as if she’s been dealing with difficult people all day – lol.
The room erupted in laughter and I could tell she felt bad but she played it off. Later, she asked me why everyone was laughing at her and I told her, “well there’s nothing wrong with being a checkout lady but it’s just that people don’t usually think of that as their dream profession, it’s more like a necessary profession.” She said, Mom aren’t you going to have to be a check out lady? B/c at this point, I had been staying at home with the kids for 10 years. I was like well I don’t know – I felt bad but I played it off as well. :-p
I know there are a million other times I’ve been roasted. Those are just the ones that I can think of in the moment. Marshmallows do taste better roasted though don’t they? I think so. Though I do kind of fantasize about the day when my kids are older and they have kids of their own and I get my chance to roast them. I imagine being kind of a Betty White (as opposed to Betty Crocker) grandmother. Though I’ll use some of Betty Crocker’s products to make the grandkids some yummy treats. But I do tell the kids to please invite me to their family dinners on occasion so I can do an impression of each one of them when they were little at the dinner table. It would just make my life to be able to come full circle with that. :-p Although, I may not get invited back. Whatever – It’d be worth it. :-p